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Vanessa Hudgens Photographs Prompt This Mom To Offer Some Sage, Sartorial Advice. Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Naked Vanessa Hudgens Photographs Prompt This Mom To Offer Some Sage, Sartorial Advice
By Karen Sandstrom
Plain Dealer Reporter

Dear Daughters,

Fifteen years ago, Disney's "Aladdin" was the top-grossing film of the year, your beloved "cell phone" was still a "car phone" the approximate size and weight of a Doc Martens oxford, and your parents were snapping photos of you in all your chubby, infant glory.

We pushed these pictures on your relatives and shoved them under our friends' noses. Those of us who worked in offices relied on those snapshots -- some of which featured you in the bathtub -- to bring rosy cheer to the beige hours we gave to corporate America.

Yes, that's right: We peddled pictures of you naked. You were 6 months old. That was the last time it was even remotely appropriate for you to appear naked for a camera.

Frankly, I hadn't planned on this conversation. In all the years of torturing myself with maternal worries, I never got around to "Remind the girls: Ix-nay on the porn shots."

Yet here we are, the hype from "High School Musical 2" having barely begun to dwindle, and People magazine is already publishing "HSM" starlet Vanessa Hudgens' explanation for how a picture of her in the altogether got onto the Internet: "This was a photo that was taken privately," said she. "It is a personal matter and it is unfortunate that this has become public."

Up until last week, Vanessa Hudgens -- aka the sweetly innocent "Gabriella" -- looked like a reasonably bright 18-year-old. Since you also seem reasonably bright, I can only conclude that there is a remote possibility that one day you, too, might decide that taking and sharing pictures of yourself naked, either alone or with some sort of (shiver) company, is a good idea.

How much does it hurt me to think of this? I will refrain from describing the pain that shreds my heart like a slightly rusted utility knife plucked from the bottom of a washed-up, alcoholic handyman's tool box and shoved between my ribs.

This is about you.

This about your future, and how it is not now, nor will it likely ever be, bettered for having flaunted your secret places in the chill of cyberspace.

My message here goes beyond the obvious reminder that digital photography has turned the phrase "private naked pictures" into an oxymoron. It goes beyond pointing out that no one knew who Paris Hilton was until those "home movies" got out, after which everyone knew her as basically the personification of an exclamation point.

Is "!" who you want to be? Remember, even Prince couldn't make that whole symbol thing work.

Here, then, is an explanation of why there is virtually no good time for you to be photographed naked. In all cases, the underlying assumption is that said pictures will become public. This is as inevitable as dark roots that appear six weeks after your last highlighting appointment.

Age 2 through 17: Naked You on Film is inappropriate during these years. You've grown beyond infancy, during which bodily proportions more closely resemble a cartoon character than an actual human. Yet you can't legally commend your soul to Hugh Hefner.

Age 18 through 25: You probably look better naked now than you ever will. Unfortunately, you are also interviewing for jobs. Your prospective boss with five grandchildren and a 50-inch waist will be furiously ogling Google for you. He'll study those skin pics for hours before reluctantly concluding that you're not quite right for the firm.

Age 25 through 35: This is a time of life when smart women have been known to be lured into posing for "boudoir photography" by misguided husbands or boyfriends. Remember: You never really recapture your dignity after his friends have seen pictures of you in a feather boa and holding a teddy bear.

Age 36 through 50: There's every good chance that by now you'll be a parent, so I ask you this. How 'bout I give you a link to a site where you and your friends can see pictures of me in the buff? Yes. I thought so.

Age 51 through 70: If naked pictures are to be shot at this age, hire a National Geographic photographer. They do an excellent job of capturing moon craters and drought-ridden landscapes.

Far be it for me to natter on about how and to whom you display your body into your senior years. Who knows, maybe you'll make peace with the sagging wonder of it all. As in infancy, we all end up looking a bit cartoonish.

Why not flaunt the absurdity of it all? By then there will be no more bosses to impress. You'll be too old for regrets, too wise to take yourself seriously, and too wrinkled for the dirtiest of the dirty old men.

And above all, it will be far too late to break your mother's heart.

..................................

i sure hope i don't ever see nude pictures of nikki blonsky.

Ana played hooky at 5:59 PM

3 Comments:

Anonymous said...: anong link sa pictures nya?
na-curious naman ako. sheesh. ano naman kayang pumasok na utak nya?; 9:16 PM
Ana said...: seeing as i've been out of the world wide web for more than a day, i wonder if you still need a link.

poor vanessa. poor silly vanessa.; 7:51 AM
Anonymous said...: alright, alright. =P i'll google it. hehehe. yeah, poor, silly vanessa. she needs chocolate therapy.; 2:52 PM

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